We’ve all heard about love – the deep, often slow-burning connection that binds people together over time. But what about limerence? It’s a term you may not hear often, yet it’s something many of us experience without realizing it. It feels like love. It acts like love. But it isn’t quite the same.

Understanding the difference between love and limerence can change how we relate, heal, and choose the relationships we want to grow in.

What Is Limerence?

Coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, limerence refers to an intense emotional state of romantic obsession. It’s that all-consuming infatuation—the butterflies, the constant thinking about someone, the idealization, the fantasy.

Limerence often includes:

Intrusive thoughts about the person (called the “limerent object”)
Emotional dependence on their attention or approval
Idealization of them while ignoring red flags
Fear of rejection or unreciprocated feelings
Emotional highs and lows depending on how they respond to you

It’s thrilling, but also unstable. Limerence can lead to anxiety, self-doubt, and emotional burnout if left unchecked.

What Is Love?

In contrast, love is steady. It’s built over time, not sparked by unpredictability. Love is based on reality, not fantasy. It includes:

Mutual respect and understanding
Emotional safety and stability
Clear communication and boundaries
Acceptance of each other’s flaws
A desire to grow together, not just be consumed by emotion

Love is more than chemistry or desire. It’s a decision, a commitment to care, even when the excitement fades.

Limerence Feels Like Fire. Love Feels Like Warmth.

Limerence burns fast. It can keep you up at night, drive you to impulsive decisions, and make you feel alive, but also insecure. You may spend more time imagining a future than building one.

Love, on the other hand, feels like a safe space. You don’t have to earn attention or guess where you stand. You’re not chasing validation, you’re co-creating a bond.

Why Do We Confuse the Two?

Because limerence mimics early-stage romantic love. It’s often sparked by unavailability, unpredictability, or unresolved wounds. When someone triggers those emotional highs, it can feel powerful – addictive, even. Especially if you’re not used to consistent affection or secure attachment.

And let’s face it: movies and media romanticize limerence. The chase. The drama. The uncertainty. But long-term love rarely looks like that.

How to Know Which One You’re Experiencing

Ask yourself:

Am I in love with who they are, or with who I imagine them to be?
Do I feel safe and seen, or anxious and unsure?
Do I love them, or do I love how they make me feel about myself?
Would I still want this relationship if the highs disappeared?

Healing from Limerence

If you realize you’re stuck in limerence, don’t beat yourself up. It’s a very human experience. The key is awareness and emotional grounding.

Start by:

Creating emotional distance (physical and digital, if needed)
Reconnecting with your own goals, hobbies, and identity
Journaling your thoughts to separate fantasy from fact
Talking to a therapist or trusted friend
Practicing self-compassion as you let go

Final Thoughts: Choose Love, Not Illusion

Limerence may feel like a whirlwind, but it rarely leads to healthy connection. Love, though quieter, is deeper. It holds space for your whole self, not just your longing.

When we stop chasing the emotional high of limerence, we open the door to something far more meaningful: a love that sees, accepts, and grows with us.

Have you ever experienced limerence and mistaken it for love? What helped you see the difference? Share your story or reflections in the comments below.